Pieces Of Me

I’m, in Mariefred right now. At my mother’s house. She and her boyfriend are at a birthday party, so I have the house for myself. Really nice. I picked up my dog, Love, on my way here from Kalmar on Thursday evening. He is lying next to me in the couch :) . He is so adorable, I have missed him a lot. Erik has had him for 3 weeks and it’s a loooooong time for me… I took a long walk with him here in the woods when I woke up this morning. -15°C and a lot of snow. So beautiful outside and such a precious landscape here.

The funeral was yesterday. My dear father :( . I miss him tremendiously. I so wish he wasn’t dead. I almost expect him not to be sometimes. Like this is just a bad dream. But I know he won’t be coming back. Ever. So unfair. The funeral was beautiful and I cried so much, even though I tried not to. It was awful to walk up to his coffin, to have to say goodbye. I put my flower there along with a card, on which I had written some last words to him. I’m so sad. All the time. I know that with time, this will be easier. But time moves very slowly…

I left Love with Terese and Barbro during the funeral. They live in Södertälje, where the funeral was held. I’ve known them for 9 years. Terese is a younger sister of Niklas, who I was together with for 5 whole years from when I was 19. Barbro is their mother. I still have contact with them and they are such nice people. I’m happy to know them. They knew my father too.

My mother was devastated too. She and my stepfather was together for 21 years, married for 17 years. She said over and over again that this wasn’t the way it was supposed to end… He was going to be better again. To visit her and Jorma at our summer house by boat next summer. She’s like me, refusing to realize…

I had a great night yesterday. Martin’s friend Helena was coming to Kalmar for a visit and wanted Martin to join her and her girlfriends for dinner and a night out. When I started to think about it, the idea of going out actually sounded really good. I haven’t been in the mood to party at all since my father’s death. I mean, the graduation party was just something that I had to attend. Which turned out to be a perfect day and night afterall :) . When I told Martin that I was thinking about meeting them at the club after their pre-party, he said that in that case, we could have our own pre-party and then meet Helena and her friends at the club later. We invited some of Martin’s friends and Helena’s brother to join us at my place. Me and just boys… Well, it was a nice party and the guys were great! One funny thing was that 80% of us had an iPhone… Some jokes about Chuck Norris came up, don’t remember why though… :p . Check this side, http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ , quite funny actually . My neighboor upstairs came buy, a very cute and nice guy. Checked out his apartment too. It’s weird how the same type of apartment can look so different with other kind of furniture and colours.

Later, at the club, we met Helena and her friends. Helena didn’t talk to me for some reason, I don’t know why. Got the feeling that she doesn’t like me. Which is weird, since we haven’t hung out before… Anyway, I ran into Emma and Jazze too. They were at Helena’s dinner before. Emma and I worked together the summer before last at Kalmar Animal Hospital. She was an animal nurse and I worked as a temporary veterinarian. Jazze is a veterinarian at a clinic in Gothenburg right now, but worked at Kalmar Animal Hospital before. She began after I had left, so I never got to know her. I met her some times this summer, since she is a friend of both Nathalie and Jarle. Two really nice and fun girls! Emma and I decided to meet over a coffee or something like that this week. I need more friends here and she seems to be a great person.

I had a really nice time, and I so needed it. Just do something fun without thinking about all my worries.

I almost fainted on my way to work on Wednesday. I was in my car but felt it coming and drove to the side. I waited for an hour afterwards before I dared to drive home. The dizziness didn’t pass though, and I saw black dots for hours. Felt numb and so tired. Called in sick and slept several hours. Went to the doctor later and took some tests and ECG and so on. Haven’t gotten the test results yet, but I don’t think they will show anything wrong. Both the doctor and the nurse doing the ECG said that I seemed to be overly stressed and that my body and brain probably couldn’t take it anymore. That makes sense. But I can’t slow down either. I have to work. And I have to finish the last things in school. And so on…

My dad’s funeral is on Friday

I know I should be writing about my graduation ceremony and so on, but it’ll come. That post will probably be quite long, so I’ll wait untill I have the time for it .

Right now, I just wanted to tell you that I’ve bought an iphone 3GS . Couldn’t really resist… I’m sure I will enjoy it.  Black of course. Actually thought about buying a white one at first, just because it’s less common, but hey, the black one is more cool .

I’m browsing around, looking for the perfect skin right now. Found two I like, one with a butterfly and one with flowers. Neat and mostly black.

On Saturday there will be a graduating ceremony for me and my class. I can’t believe that I’m soon to be a veterinarian for real! Well, even though I’m graduating on saturday, I still have some things left to do, so I won’t finish until March… I actually don’t mind. I like working as an animal nurse and I don’t think I would be able to handle the extra pressure that automatically comes with the vet job right know. I’ve lost all my energy since my dad died.

I’m looking forward to Saturday. The day starts with me getting even more beautiful ( ) with some help from Monika. The ceremony starts at 2pm and lasts until 4pm. Thereafter we have some time to mingle until most of my classmates go to the castle here in Uppsala for a luxurious dinner and ball. Since I have only been a part of this class for a year and don’t really have anything in common with my classmates, I decided that I wanted to celebrate my graduation with my family and closest friends instead of paying 130€ for a boring dinner with people I don’t know that well. So when the others go off to the ball, my friends and I gather at a fancy restaurant downtown for a private dinner. After the dinner we will go to a pub nearby the castle. Talking, drinking, dancing and having fun until we join the rest of my class at the ball. Their dinner is supposed to be finished and the dancing begun around 11pm and with that, everyone is welcome there to party.

I believe the day will be perfect. Will miss my dad tremendiously though, wishing he could have been there too .

Mother and her boyfriend arrive in Uppsala on Friday, as does Martin. I didn’t know if he would come, but I’m happy that he does. No matter what, during these last months, he has become one of my best friends. I think we are going to se Avatar in 3D on Friday evening. Mother and Jorma wanted to use the spa facilities at their hotel so they won’t come with us. I’ve heard that the movie is very good . When I read the news today online, people where talking about the effect the movie had had on them. Like they had become depressed to see the beautiful world of Pandora and realizing our world would never be like that… Well, I’ve read fantasy books almost all my life and I’ve always wished I could live in these fantasy worlds instead of mine. In a way, I can understand these people’s emotions… This only raises my expectations of the movie even more… We’ll see if it can live up to them.

My brother comes to Uppsala on Saturday!!! :D He’s coming home from Malta for a week or so. I’m really happy that he is coming for my graduation!

My friends who are attending my graduating party are Anna & Dennis, Adam, Martin, Ann-Sofie & Christoffer, Monika & Måns, Anja & Toni, Karolina & Henrik, Anna G, Bella, Pia and Jonaz. I’m so happy that they could come! Later at the pub we will meet with Elina, who has had her own celebration with her family at another restaurant and Victor, who hasn’t made any plans to celebrate at all. It will be a night to remember! Hopefully . Too bad Nathalie and Oskar are in Thailand and Jarle has moved back to Norway .

I spent yesterday evening with Ann-Sofie at her place. Eating tacos and talking. Ann-Sofie is the one person I can tell everything! She’s a very good listener, asks the right questions and gives good advice.  We don’t always have the same opinions, but she never judges me and I don’t judge her.

I took the wrong bus on my way home though… Or the right bus, just in the wrong direction. I was using msn on my mobile and didn’t realize until I was somewhere totally off… Got off the bus, just to realize that it was the only bus going out there… So I waited for half an hour before the same bus came back from the endpoint… The driver looked at me with an amused smile… It was freezing outside and my feet was made of ice, hurting as hell. Took hours before they were warm again… I arrived home one hour later than I should have. Sigh. Who’s surprised though…

I moved into Pia’s dormroom yesterday. Her dorm is in the same house as Nathalie’s and it is very nice of her to rent it to me this week. Nathalie’s room is rented out to another girl at the moment. Before, I stayed at Mathilda’s dormroom at Gälbo, the campus area, in which Anna, Dennis, Bella and Karolina are living. That was great. When Mathilda needed her room back, Karolina said that I could use her apartment, since she would be with her family in Stockholm. She is renting Anja’s old apartment, since Anja and Toni is living in Stockholm now. Everything goes around :) . Karolina’s apartment is very cozy. It was nice to stay that close to Anna & Dennis.

I don’t know anyone in this dormitory, but Pia introduced me to a couple of her neighbours yesterday. They seem nice and social. Well, I will probably just stay in my room anyway when I’m here. Aren’t feeling that social at the moment. And Jonaz has a room in the dormitory next to mine and I guess Enar and Axel will stay in their dormroom this week, since they have school too. So I won’t be totally alone out here if I feel the need for a hug or someone to talk to.

I have cried a lot this week. Haven’t cried this much before. Perhaps because I haven’t been alone that much since I found out Kenta was dead. I thought I needed company, but I guess I needed this time to myself too. Being alone and let go of my feelings. I still can’t believe I won’t be able to see Kenta again. But I’m very thankful for my friends being there. And Martin has been an angel.

School tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all…

I’m so grateful to have such good friends! Thank you all for being there for me. Love you!

I was downtown with Ann-Sofie yesterday. Shopping a little and then chatting at Wayne’s Coffee for a while. Cilla joined us at the café too. It was great to meet them again. Later in the evening I had made plans with Monika and Elina to meet at another café. We sat there until they closed . It’s nice to spend time with close friends in a time like this. But at the same time, it takes energy. I was really tired today. Haven’t been sleeping well either. I stayed in bed for a while after waking up today. Turned on the tv and tried to stay calm. But it didn’t work, so I got dressed and walked the 30 metres over to Anna & Dennis’ place to chill. They were going to meet Dennis’ mother Brittis downtown for some shopping and coffee-drinking and wanted me to go with them. I was too tired though and not in the mood. Brittis is very sweet and I have met her several times, but I didn’t feel like being social with anyone. So I stayed at their place (they have an Internetconnection…), just chilling in front of the computer and tv. Slept some and petted the dogs. Woke up ehen they got back home and Dennis made tacos for us. So sweet and so good. I’m still at their place. Going home soon. Tired, but I believe I won’t be able to sleep that well anyway…

I haven’t written in a while now. I haven’t had the energy or the will to write anything.

My stepdad, Kenta, who has been my real dad since I was 3 years old, past away two days before Christmas Eve. I have written about him earlier. He got diagnosed with leukemia, which is blood cancer, a year ago. I knew he wouldn’t live as long as he would have, had he been well, but this was too early. He only lived one year after his diagnosis. I thought he would live several years. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but I wasn’t ready for this and he definitely wasn’t finished with his life. This September, the doctors told him he had only months left to live. I cried a lot then, but later the doctors were stunned because Kenta’s test results were so good. This time they told him that he would probably experience another summer and more after that. I grasped this little hope and saw it as the truth. I denied the fact that he could still die before. I met him the last time in mid November. He looked tired and unwell, but he smiled and said that he was fine. He never wanted me to worry about him. I guess he got sick again just a few weeks after my visit. He was in the hospital for a couple of weeks before he died. Leukemia impairs the immune system and makes the affected person very prone to infections. Kenta got sick several times during his illnes and was at the hospital a lot. But every time they managed to get him well enough to be able to go home. Not this time though. He got pneumonia and died from it. Slowly suffocating. I can’t imagine how scared he must have been at the end, knowing this was it. And I, I knew nothing.

Kenta and I had a special relationship. He was my dear father and I loved him as if he had been my biological father. He was a very special person and when he first came to our family 25 years ago, he had some problems with intimacy, because of the way he was brought up. But for me, intimacy is important and during my whole upbringing, I tried to show him as much love as I could. When mom and he got divorced a few years back, I made sure that he knew that it didn’t affect our relationship. He was afraid of losing me and my brother, but for us, he was still our dad, which he realized. Since then, we talked over the phone once a month and I visited him whenever I was close by, just as I do with my mother. He didn’t call me from the hospital, he never did. I usually found out that he was, or had been, at the hospital by chance. I believe he didn’t want to worry me. I so wish he had called me this time. I wanted to call him on Christmas Eve, so I waited and didn’t call him either. I regret that know. I wish I had known. In that case, I could have been by his side. I do hope that he knew how much he meant to me and that I loved him endlessly. I’m so sad. He had his other family there though. His sister and his sons from his earlier marrige. I don’t know why they didn’t call us. Sure, I don’t know them and haven’t met any of them since I was little, but still, they knew that he was a part of our family for more than 20 years. I pointed that out. His sister told me yesterday that he didn’t call them either, they had called him to know how he was doing. Like she meant that it was up to us, our own fault that we didn’t know. I still think they could have called me or my mother. And I so wish I had called him before Christmas. I regret it so much.

Sometimes I cry until I fall asleep and other times, it’s like I don’t really understand that he’s gone.

At the moment, I’m in Uppsala. Have an exam on Thursday. Don’t know if I’m gonna make it though. Haven’t been studying that much. Not feeling well, unhappy and sad. And next week I have school again. Not looking forward to it. But glad to be in Uppsala with friends.

I’m leaving Uppsala tomorrow. Going to visit Anna G in Västerås. It’s gonna be great, haven’t seen her for a long time! Only talked through msn or Facebook. We became friends when we both worked as veterinary inspection assistants at a slaughterhouse. She was studying to become a veterinarian at a German school in Hannover and I had just ended my second year on the veterinary programme in Sweden. We have kept contact since then, even thought she has been in Germany most of the time. It’s going to be so much fun to hang out with her tomorrow!

It has been a good week in Uppsala. Some interesting lectures in school and lots of time spent with dear friends. There are almost always people hanging out in Anna and Dennis’ apartment and everybody feel relaxed and at home.

I went downtown with Ann-Sofie today after school. First, we went to Himla, a great interior decoration shop and then we went to take a coffee and chat a bit before she had to go to work. Cilla came by the cafe too. When they left for work, I went shopping for Christmas presents… And I have bought every single one now . This evening have I spent wrapping the presents and socializing with Anna, Dennis, Karolina, Matilda and Cecilia. I also made some jewellery.

We celebrated Anna’s birthday yesterday . Anja stayed after school and we gave Anna her gift, drank coffee and ate Lucia buns. Later we went to the student union pub to eat and drink with friends. Christopher came by after work, around 9pm. It was nice talkning to him again. Anja stayed at Anna and Dennis’ for the night too, since it was late and she lives in Stockholm. Anja is a really nice girl. Very sweet . I got to know Anna and Dennis through her .

I’m going to take a little walk with Love know, before sleep…

I’m back in Uppsala for a week. I’m attending a course in Veterinary Public Health. Interesting, but I HATE lectures. Can’t stay focused and my thoughts always drift away. But it’s nice to see my friends in my class. I’m staying at Anna and Dennis’ apartment. They are very sweet.

Erik and I agreed to that Love is going to stay with him during Christmas. I’m working anyway and it’s nice for Erik to have Love when he has a holiday. Love is with me now, but Erik is coming to Uppsala this weekend to pick him up. He was planning to come here anyway for his brother’s dissertation. I’m going to miss Love, he is my little baby!

I have been hanging out with Sara a lot these days in school. And with Elina. They are so kind and great friends. I’ve missed them. Today I took a coffee with Axel after school. It was very nice to talk to him again. It was a while ago.

I’m not sure what I’m gonna do tonight. Anna is working the evening shift at the animal clinic in school. I think Dennis is going to be at home though. Perhaps we could watch a movie and just chill. We had a very nice and cozy evening yesterday. Bella, Jonaz, Karolina and Matilda came by Anna and Dennis’ for their weekly “knitting club”. They meet every monday evening and hang out while knitting or doing other stuff together. Karolina brought a delicious chocolate cake . It was a perfect relaxing evening. I haven’t been sleeping well for a while and am very tired . Besides, I had an exam yesterday. That is always tiring.

Well, I’m gonna take a little nap now…

I have no Internet at home any more. I have been borrowing Johanna’s mobile Internet for some time, but she needed it back. And I can’t decide what kind of Internet connection I shall buy, thus I’m without one… That’s why I haven’t written anything for more than a week…

My weekend in Stockholm was great. So lovely to meet my dear ones . Stayed at Nathalie and Oskar’s apartment. It was the first time I saw it. It was very nice. They live on Gärdet, which is a very nice area in Stockholm. Love was happy to see Nathalie again .

Their  housewarming party was great. Soft, but fun . Sweet to meet Anna, Dennis, Monika, Måns, Bella, Jonaz, Anja and Toni again. And there were some new faces there too. Everyone was nice and fun to talk too. There were a lot of different stuff to eat and some home made mulled wine .

We went downtown earlier during the day, and even had the time to visit Martin’s brother in Hammarby Sjöstad, which is a very nice area in Stockholm, close to the water. Dennis’ mother, Brittis, lives there too, so we went by there to meet them before it was time to go back to Nathalie and Oskar for the party. Anna and Dennis had spent the day with Brittis and Dennis’ daughter, My. Brittis is a really sweet and fun woman and I consider her one of my friends.

On sunday, we had brunch at Mosebacke with Nathalie, Oskar and Anna. Dennis had to work. Later we drove to Mariefred to visit my mother and Jorma. We stayed for a little while and then continued back to Kalmar.

I’ve had a great week at work, as usual. And as usual, I have been working the evening shift in Läckeby and have also been a couple of days at the clinic in Borgholm. I met David after work on wednesday. It was so sweet to see him again. Was a while ago. Haven’t met him since we broke up, just talked on the phone and over msn. I’ve missed him and it was very nice to talk to him face to face. We said that we would try to hang out as friends some. Would be nice if it could work, because I like him and enjoy spending time with him. Perhaps we’ll hang out some tomorrow. Another person I have missed is Jarle. Haven’t spent that much time with him lately, except at work. He has been away or sick, as have I. And soon he will go away to Norway for work . I will have to go there to visit him!

The other areas of my life are in chaos, as they always seem to be…

I had a great day at work today. Working the evening shift with Emil. Mira was the veterinarian tonight. She is very sweet and nice to work with. There was a lot to do though. Not that many animals staying at the stationary ward at first, but several new animals arrived during the evening. And a lot of blood samples and some x-rays were ordered. And all the new animals needed to be taken care of properly, as with the “old” ones. Perhaps they needed some intravenous fluid or medications of some sort. Or just extra care. I really like my job. I’m doing something I’m good at and since I have to focus on what I’m doing, I don’t have any time to think about sad and trying stuff. Except once in a while…

I’m working day tomorrow at the stationary ward in Läckeby. It was a while ago. Have mostly been working evening shifts in Läckeby lately or day shift in Borghom. It’ll be nice .

I might be going to Stockholm this weekend . Nathalie and her boyfriend have a little housewarming party since she recently moved in with him. It would be really nice .

I’m just sad. Dejected. Exhausted. Feeling worthless. I try to pull myself together and put on a big smile, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. Trying to fool myself. Of course it doesn’t work. Who am I kidding. Since when are things in my life going my way??

I wish I was someone else, somewhere else. A happy person without depression, anxiety, bad luck and this constant feeling of despair. What’s wrong with me??? Why can’t I just be normal? I mean, everyone have their bad days and periods in life, but it’s not right to feel like this almost all the time. Right? I shouldn’t have to feel like shit. I have such good friends, a loving family, a good education and already two job offers. I do look good and I have no problem getting dates, even though I don’t know if I will ever meet just the right boy for me… Love is the best dog in the world and I know that I am a smart girl. Not at my top potential at the moment though. Here it is again, I’m so sick of not having recovered after being burnt out. It was years ago, come on!

Not to give up. How? I need to focus on the good things. I’m going to Uppsala again in two weeks. Staying for a little more than a week. It’ll be nice. Need to get away from my own thoughts for a while. And talking to Anna, Monika or Ann-Sofie is always nice. They are so sweet and smart. I miss them a lot.

And hanging out with Martin is always nice.

I think I will watch a movie now. Light a lot of candles and cuddle up in the couch with Love and a blanket. Drink some mulled wine and perhaps eat a Lucia bun. Yes, I’ll do that.

It’s the first Sunday in Advent today. There are christmas lights in almost every window and lighting decorations all around town. Cozy!

Martin and I went to the Christmas Market at the castle in Kalmar today. I love Advent, Christmas and everything about it . So nice. It was a lovely market. Gave me some more of that special Christmas feeling .

The rest of the day I should just spend writing on my final thesis . I want to put up some lighting decorations in my apartment too . Perhaps watch a nice movie tonight! Have some Lucia buns and drink some mulled wine and Christmas must .

I’m working the evening shift at the clinic in Läckeby on monday and tuesday. Sweet to be able to sleep longer in the mornings, especially now, when I seem to be needing more sleep. I believe that Emil is gonna work the evening shift too. He’s nice, so it will be great. I’m not going to work in Borgholm at all this week, which is the first week in a long time. Working the dayshift at the stationary ward on wednesday and thursday. Haven’t done that in a while.

Well, gonna sleep a bit now and then it’s time to write and write…

Läckeby Animal Clinic offered a Christmas dinner (smorgasbord) last night at a fancy restaurant, Heléne & Jörgens, in Kalmar. There were a lot of people from work there, I think about 64 persons. Very nice atmosphere and lots of good food. I sat next to Martin and Emil. Had Emelie and Fredrica in front of me. They are really nice and funny. Jarle was there of course, and my coworkers from Borgholm. We had a great time .

After the dinner, which I ate far too much of, we went to Harrys’ for some drinks and party. Since we were there a little bit early, we decided to go bowling. They have disco bowling at the ground floor. It was really fun . I suck at bowling, but it doesn’t matter, it’s fun anyway. Not that any of the others were especially good either . The rest of the evening we danced and socialized.

I had offered Emil that he could sleep at my place, since he lives in Nybro, which is way off. Otherwise he didn’t know if he could go out with us. And that was not an option!

When we were at our way home, we witnessed a girl hit herself with a glassbottle in the head! She was arguing with this guy about something and was really hysterical. Crying and screaming. And suddenly she just took the bottle from the ground and hit herself in the forehead. It started bleeding A LOT! We waited until the ambulance arrived, just to tell the paramedics what really happened. In case she would try to accuse the guy. Crazy girl…

We slept long today. Had breakfast and watched some tv. When the guys left I just slept some more, hehe. I have been very tired this week. More than usual.

Right now, I’m with Martin at his parents’ house on Öland. We are watching their dogs tonight. His parents are at a Christmas dinner in Kalmar. The dogs are so sweet

I have this feeling of uneasiness again. Have no idea why. It shows up sometimes, an unwelcome visitor. Perhaps this time, it’s just because of the turmoil of feelings I’ve had recently. With David, my final thesis and examination, the uncertainity of my future and more. Living in a city, not having that many friends here.

But I’ll be alright. I always am in the end. Just not okay right now, I guess. But my life and my emotions always ride the rollercoaster.

My whiplash-injured neck has made itself known once again. I mean, the pain is always there, but it’s worse again. Except for the wryneck, which is actually getting better, my upper back and neck hurt like hell . I will call a massage therapist tomorrow I think. Heard there is a good one in Borgholm, perhaps I can get an appointment some day after work this week.

Longing for my next trip to Uppsala! I spoke to Anna about it and they have planned for us to make gingerbread cookies and drink mulled wine and just cozy up in the christmas air . I think I’m going to stay at their place this time, not in Nath’s dorm. It nicer and more cozy . And I miss Monika and Ann-Sofie a lot too. And the rest of the gang.

I’m trying to make the best of my time here in Kalmar. I enjoy work, both at Läckeby and Borgholm. And I’m so happy to have met Martin. Of course, Jarle is a big part of my life here too. I wish he didn’t have to go off to Norway in January .

Well, I should go to sleep soon…